I read all the books. I watched all the shows. Apparently I’m supposed to “fit in” and not be like all of those other “ugly Americans”, because, you see, people in Europe wear pants. They’re used to the heat, and shorts are considered too informal, almost weird. So I pack four pairs of lightweight traveling pants, including one of that converts to shorts THANK GOD, and right before I closed my suitcase I threw in a pair of swim trunks just in case.

Well guess what Rick: everyone in Europe wears shorts you dumbass. Everyone except The Guy That Hasn’t Travelled Much, also known as The Only Man Wearing Pants in Croatia. Now I’ll give you that I’m on a tour bus with a bunch of people who aren’t on a Rick Steves tour and really couldn’t care less about fitting in. Still, as I was taking a slow walk down the streets of Opatija last night I took an informal poll of those with pants versus those without. The final tally required no numbers. It was Pants: Paul and men over 80, Shorts: Everyone Else. And the people I’m traveling with see me in the morning and are thinking “Dude, where’s the wedding?”.

But hey, at least I managed to fit everything into one suitcase and one carry on with 2.5lbs to spare.

Bastard.